Colleen’s Story
This post includes discussion of pregnancy loss. This content may be triggering – please read at your own pace.
I had my daughter in August 2020 after moving to a new county for work. I had no social support aside from my partner. I started experiencing high anxiety during my third trimester and was continuously dismissed by my medical team for being a worried first-time mom. Once I was in labor, my medical team continued to dismiss my desires and concerns. My birth was extremely traumatic, and resulted in a mad rush to end my labor as quickly as possible due to poor staff training and faulty medical equipment. After 4 years, I am still dealing with the physical repercussions of my birth experience and their medical neglect.
Within 10 days of my daughter being born, my partner and other family knew I was not okay. My doctor diagnosed me with very severe Postpartum Depression shortly after. I had panic attacks whenever my daughter cried, I struggled to hold her without crying or wanting to give her to someone else, getting out of bed was difficult, and other times I wished I’d never had a baby at all. It took me 2 years of birth trauma counseling and EMDR therapy plus meticulous medication management to get below the clinical threshold for Postpartum Depression and Anxiety, thanks to a very patient and skilled mental health counselor.
I recently suffered a miscarriage with my second pregnancy, and while it has been an emotional roller coaster like I’ve never experienced, I feel better supported this time than during my previous pregnancy. I chose a different medical team, and they have walked with me through every step of this loss – validating my emotions and concerns with every new development. While I’m heartbroken to have lost this baby, I know my medical team and my partner have my back, and that has already made a world of difference for my mental health.
Becoming a group facilitator through PS Washington not only validated my birth experience as abnormal but it also empowered me to talk about my experience in a way that will support others who’ve been through similar experiences. As I’ve walked through miscarrying my most recent pregnancy, I’ve actually utilized many of the 1:1 support strategies to maintain my mental health as I grieve.