PERINATAL LOSS RESOURCES

Feelings You May Be Experiencing

Shock and Denial…

The first reaction, a kind of numbness, allows us to get through the immediate crisis. You may feel overwhelmed by the many decisions you have to make, such as: arrangements for the body, whether or not to have a service, burial or cremation, and notifying friends and relatives.

Anger…

This is a normal reaction. It may be directed at yourself, your spouse, the doctor or other medical personnel. People’s comments may make you angry, or lonely because there is no one to turn to who really understands. People may avoid you or say inappropriate things. What they say may hurt.

Guilt…

Feeling guilty, or experiencing the “what ifs” and the “whys” is a part of the grief reaction too. Partly grief occurs because we all believe somewhat in our own power—that we are in control of what happens in our lives. If we are in charge, then it must be something we did or did not do that caused the baby’s death. Thus we feel responsible, and therefore guilty. To get rid of this feeling, we have to accept that there are some things over which we have no power. Very often there simply is no answer to the “why.” There is no where to place the blame.

Acceptance…

As the intensity of the shock, denial, anger, and guilt subside, we begin to accept the reality of the death. This is a painful step, but the beginning of healing.

Sadness…

Sadness will probably be most intense for four to eight weeks following the birth, but the grieving period may extend nine months to a year, sometimes longer. The sadness never truly ends but becomes bearable. The intense sadness may “pop up” unexpectedly and bring tears and bewilderment for many years. This surprises many parents who expect a final end to grief.

Grief is a complex process, unique to each individual. Do not expect yourself or others to be at a certain stage at a certain time. Different reactions to the loss of the baby between partners normal. If this is not realized, it can lead to misunderstanding. It may be that one of you is in one stage of the grief process and your partner is in another. Open sharing of feelings will lead to better understanding. There may also be different reactions among grandparents or others close to you and your family as well.

Children can also experience the loss in a stillbirth, miscarriage or death of a new baby, and have many of the same reactions as adults and for similar periods of time. If you have other children who are experiencing difficulty in expressing their feelings (children often feel very guilty), it may help to discuss it with a sensitive pediatrician, family doctor, nurse, or therapist.

Frequently there are physical symptoms of the grief you are experiencing. Aches, pains, numbness, insomnia, or fatigue are common reactions of your body to your loss. Anxiety about your health, your other children, or your partner may be expressed as extreme protectiveness or as reluctance to care for them.

We offer peer support from others who have experienced deep grief and wish to be of help to you now, or in the future. We encourage you to attend one of our support groups or contact the Warm Line to get started on your healing journey. Please call 1-888-404-7763 today.