Helping a Family Become a “Forever Family” Through Adoption
By Zia F. Freeman, MA, LMHC
I have worked in adoption, foster care, and provided clinical assistance with families for many years, as well as having run caregiver support groups, and I have found that there can still be some myths and beliefs that continue to be common in the world of adoption. For many adoptive parents, the desire to be a parent can override the reality that the child, even if only a few days old, comes from a different biological makeup and has a family history that should be part of their knowledge and identity, even if they don’t remember being a part of it. This can be a challenge when that background may include some negative history, such as abandonment, neglect, or actual child abuse. But just as a person might not like their partner’s family history, they would never tell them to “not have contact with those people” because it is part of their life and identity. It can be much the same with an adopted child. Helping a single parent or a couple understand this requires sensitivity to the desire to have a “child of their own”. While the child may laugh like their adoptive parent, or have similar gestures or shared humor as the years go by, their DNA and inherited health will always be from someone else, as well as their racial/ethnic makeup. On occasion, those physical reminders can be disarming to a parent who is trying to pretend the child does not have a different heritage.
As a professional helping them through this process, find resources to support yourself and them, as this can still be a specialized area that not all mental health professionals understand.
Do they strive to be aware of the family and child history? Do they have biological children or other adopted kids? Is this adoption the final path to parenthood based on infertility or age? Do they have experience with children who are not related to them? These answers can help you better understand where the challenges and blind spots may lie for an adoptive parent. It is important to understand attachment and bonding. Even with an infant, if the child was not born into the family, it may seem more complicated for the parent to attach, which can lead to guilt or fear that they made a mistake. The older the child, the more challenging this can be. Women may feel depressed after placement and have hormonal changes occur. She may feel guilty that she is not bonding quickly to the baby or child and blame it on a lack of relatedness. Parents need to know that a lack of attachment is very typical when having a child of any age, even if they are a birth child or a relative.
The parents may believe that they will never have to deal with birth relatives, because it was a closed adoption, and the child doesn’t remember them. But the fact is that the child will likely want to know about their history and may wish to meet relatives. However, 90% of adopted children are very clear into their adult years that they regard their adoptive parents as their “true” parents. By being open and involved with the child’s interests, the parents will be more likely to be included and able to help their adopted child navigate the very emotional world of seeking out their birth family.
When adopting a child of another race, it is essential to understand that most people are not color blind and will acknowledge the youth as who they appear to be on the surface. By helping the family understand that they will get attention from the general public when adopting a child of a different race, they can be prepared to handle it and help their child develop those resilient skills as well. Encourage parents to lead a multicultural life, reflected in their home décor, literature, contacts, and community. Determine whether the family has cultural connections that can help the child develop a strong identity. Also, be aware that the child may have periods in their life where they don’t want to be different in appearance or history, and they may reject their racial connections and history, and then later have a high interest in it.
Adoption is born out of loss. This is a reality that impacts the birth relatives, the adoptive family, and the child. Parents can be caught off guard by their emotional process, which can change over the years. Let the parents know that friends and family may have concerns about adoption or the child’s history. Help an adoptive parent understand that this is normal, as grandparents and other relatives may be experiencing their own sense of loss or confusion that the child is not related to them. There is still bias about adoption in American society, especially among the older generations, or if the child was in foster care. This is undoubtedly still the case regarding international adoption.
Ultimately, if the parent(s) understand that adoption will not “fix” their infertility concerns and will have some challenges that may be perplexing, they will be able to relax and enjoy the benefits of being a parent. Raising a child to be a unique human being who can find their way in the world in a healthy and resilient way is not easy, but it is usually worth it!
Remember, to grow a healthy family it takes commitment, time, tears, laughter, flexibility, acceptance, and yes, love. Adoption is not a perfect path, nor does an adoptive family have to be perfect. But as in most worthwhile endeavors in our lives, preparation and personal insight can make the path a little smoother.