Support Groups: A Father’s Story of Finding Connection and Hope
By CS Wallis
You may be as surprised as I was to learn there’s a support group for dads and dads-to-be. Without diminishing the trials and tribulations that mothers face as part of parenthood, consider for a moment how much — or rather how little — preparation and coaching is offered to fathers and expectant dads. In all of our perinatal appointments (I attended every one), not once did anyone discuss the difficulties I might experience, or that about 1 in 10 dads suffer postnatal depression. Candidly, I was entirely unprepared for colic, what felt like rejection when my daughter seemed to want only her mother’s comfort, and the isolation of having no one who really understood. And despite having challenged traditional notions of masculinity, I was still raised in a culture that says, “Men are supposed to be unwaveringly strong, show no emotion, and just fix things.”
Significant attention is rightly given to mothers’ experiences during childbirth and early parenting — it should be! But how much attention is given to what fathers experience?
Imagine a brand-new dad, just after his partner’s emergency c-section, having stripped off the blood-soaked gown and now faced with choosing whether to stay by his partner or go down the hall to advocate for his baby whom he has just met. The trauma, the helplessness — no one ever said, “It’s ok to feel scared. You are going to need support.”
Then imagine the isolation when people only tell you about the amazing parts of parenthood — sharing pictures of sweet moments — but never mention the screaming child, the endless nights, the feeling that despite every soothing thing you try, your baby still only wants Mom. And there you are: the dad, feeling inadequate, with no one to talk to. These are the stories I hear from teary-eyed dads every week at the dads’ group hosted by Perinatal Support Washington.
When I first walked into that group, I broke down crying in front of strangers, admitting that I didn’t know if I could be the father my daughter deserved — I wondered if putting her up for adoption might even be the best thing for her. I had no one who had been through this, no one who understood. Like me, many dads don’t have access to the social or financial resources needed to navigate this unique season of life.
In large part thanks to PS-WA’s Dads Support Group, 12 months later my daughter and I are thriving. She now looks to me for comfort and support when she’s unsure. And the positive feedback loop into my marriage has been profound. Because of this group, my daughter, Abbey, and children like her are better set up for a lifetime of success — with their dads.