Sumi’s Story
I was 28 when I had my first baby, when most of my peers were just meeting lifelong partners. The pregnancy went smoothly until the last trimester, when I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Suddenly, I found myself meticulously monitoring my food intake with four daily finger pricks to test my blood. I didn’t realize it back then, but this was the first time I started to feel isolated. Having to request special meals at work events or severely limiting my household’s food options, because if I was on a diet, everyone was :).
When the day finally arrived, my type A personality found comfort in scheduling the induction due to my gestational diabetes. Labor moved unexpectedly quickly—four hours later, my baby entered the world! While everyone celebrated my “great job,” they gently downplayed the severe third-degree tearing of my perineum. The reality, the tissue between my vaginal canal and anus barely remained intact, requiring extensive suturing.
The first weeks of recovery were painful, but my provider in my postpartum visit told me I was fine and there was no reason for the level of pain I was reporting. Not knowing any better, I assumed the pain was in my head, or maybe I’m just being sensitive. I channeled all my energy toward my baby, ignoring my body’s signals of distress. When my milk came in, I was lucky that I did not have an issue breastfeeding and instead had a heavy milk flow. Unfortunately, that meant I ended up in the ER after I developed mastitis that would not respond to over-the-counter medication. I was anxious that if I waited, it might hurt my ability to care for my baby, so I went in. I still can vividly remember that night, walking into the ER with my partner, rushing with my baby, not realizing that I could barely walk, and having to call out, “wait for me.” He was a new dad and still learning to juggle caring for a baby and a partner. The ER doctor decided to use a catheter to collect a urine because “it was most likely mastitis but let’s just be sure.” Another moment I wish I would have trusted my intuition and said no.
As my partner and I grew with our baby, our love for her deepened, though it was never the instant connection some describe. She felt perfect to us in every way except that she didn’t sleep through the night until her toddler years, so it felt like I never got a break. I developed what was later diagnosed as postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and subclinical postpartum OCD, but I was scared that admitting I was struggling meant I was a bad mom or that I had a bad baby.
I started going to support groups because I wanted to socialize and have adult conversations. Through my groups, I realized that I needed help. Once I started talking to a professional, I realized that outside of my diagnosis, I was struggling with identity challenges and relationship issues with my partner. It fired me up when I realized how preventable some of my challenges would have been had I gotten the right education and support earlier. I decided to radically shift my career from the corporate sector to help other birthing and non-birthing parents, including volunteering on the warm line at PS-WA and eventually joining the board of directors. Mental health support during the perinatal period should not be a luxury but standard care in the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period. I am grateful for Perinatal Support Washington’s mission and the access to care they provide to underserved communities.