Cara’s Story

I had my child on April 3rd, 2020. That day is such a blur. It was not how it was supposed to be. It was terrifying and traumatizing, and I still have nightmares about it. But childbirth wasn’t even the worst part about having a baby. It was the postpartum period. I suffered some pretty extreme trauma to my body from delivery: a third-degree external tear, two lateral internal tears, and damage to my anus. Following what I considered a traumatic delivery, I needed several corrective surgeries to attempt to heal physically and spent 6 months in excruciating pain, all while trying to adjust to my new normal. Along with physical pain, my mental health was suffering. Blame it on the trauma, blame it on the lack of sleep, but the truth is, I was not adjusting to my new normal. I was having periods of extreme depression, daily anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, and periods of rage that scared me and my partner. I was a mess. I sought therapy, but despite the many therapeutic approaches, I continued to struggle. On June 19th, I had my breaking point. I was so anxious and overwhelmed, I snapped. I entered a fit of rage that I didn’t know I had in me. I screamed, I cried, I threw things, and I put hands on my husband while holding my baby. I knew I needed more help. Using the coping skills the therapist was giving me was not working. I was in too deep to back up and think about my breathing techniques to cope in those moments. My husband called my dad and he said he needed help with me. My dad and mom came over, took my baby for the night, and told me to sleep and then look for further help. They encouraged me and told me they loved me. It was exactly what I needed. A break, some sleep, lots of love and care, and time to do some research on what to do next.

I googled “postpartum support” and a few local therapists came up, but I needed more than that. I searched Instagram and found a page for perinatal support in Oregon. I called them. The woman I talked to was incredible. She got me connected with Perinatal Support Washington and had a Warm Line volunteer call me the next day. That’s when I met Nicole (a warm line volunteer), my lifesaver. I spoke to Nicole in all honesty. I told her how I was feeling, what was going on, and how I needed help. I cried, laughed, and felt so supported. It was exactly what I needed. A mom who also experienced those deep, dark moments. Someone to tell me it was ok and I was not alone. Someone to reassure me that things would get better and that I would recover. I spoke with Nicole on and off for 3 weeks. She encouraged me to make a wellness plan, incorporating sleep and self-care into my routine. She told me it was ok to prioritize my own mental health during this time. She allowed me to process my fears around medication and gave me space to make those decisions with support and care.

Now, years later, I have healed. I completed EMDR treatment to process my birth trauma, I take medication to keep my anxiety at bay, and I am truly happy. Being a mom didn’t come instinctively to me. I needed more support than most, but now, it is my greatest accomplishment and my deepest joy. My son is the light of my life, and he has pushed me to places I didn’t know I could go. He is everything.