Alma’s Story

I was 38 years old when I became pregnant with my first son, Sebastian, who is now 4. 

As a woman who had her first pregnancy after 35, I received many warnings from healthcare providers about how risky a pregnancy at this age is, so I was extra careful. I read about all the things that could go wrong with me or the baby. It was 2020, so I was very anxious if anyone coughed, sneezed, or breathed near me. I was afraid that anything I did could hurt my baby. 

But my worst fears didn’t come true. I was lucky and had an “easy” pregnancy and delivery. I was even blessed with a baby that loved to sleep! I wouldn’t have imagined that the one who couldn’t put herself to sleep after the baby arrived would be me. 

If I managed to fall asleep, it’d be for only 5 to 10 minutes until an awful feeling of drowning woke me up. I called my doctors thinking something was terribly wrong with me. I was physically and mentally exhausted due to weeks of absolute lack of sleep, which only made the never-ending cycle of anxiety and insomnia worse.  I felt like a failure. I had prepared so much for this baby, but when he was finally with me, I could barely perform as a mother. I had transformed into a shaky, terrified person I no longer recognized. When sleep and anxiety didn’t improve, my doctors recommended I start an antidepressant that is used to treat anxiety. 

I had heard about postpartum depression. But I didn’t know perinatal anxiety was a thing. And no matter how many doctors told me this medication was safe to take while breastfeeding, I was terrified of the effects it could have on my nursing baby. Doctors didn’t make an effort to put my fears at ease. 

I called the Warm Line desperate to find support. I was so lucky to find someone on the other end of the line that had a similar experience and understood what I was going through. She made me feel like I was not alone and this was not my fault. She also helped me find an amazing therapist specialized in perinatal mental health, who continues to be fundamental in my mental health journey. 

With this support and medication, things started to improve. It felt like clouds were opening before my eyes and life regained its colors. I was finally able to enjoy motherhood and feel like myself again. 

I will never forget how hard it was to understand and accept that this happened to me. I thought I was so strong and could take on anything. I had the support of an amazing husband who worked from home at the time, and a mom who moved to Seattle to help us take care of our baby. I had paid maternity leave, great health insurance and financial security. I had a normal, healthy pregnancy and delivery. And yet, this still happened to me. 

Learning about how common perinatal mood disorders are, that it’s the most frequent childbirth complication, made me realize how hard it must be for those who don’t have access to the resources I did. I started volunteering at the Warm Line in hopes of providing parents the same support that had helped me so much. 

Now, when my friends who are about to become parents for the first time ask me for parenting tips or the best pregnancy books, my first recommendation is to take care of their mental health and educate themselves on perinatal mood disorders. Everyone should know how common they are and have access to the resources to overcome them, should they ever need them.