Meet Kristin Tucker, Clinical Social Worker, UW Lecturer, and proud Queer parent

Tell us a little about yourself and your background!

In my professional life, I’m a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker in private practice, specializing in working with LGBTQ couples and individuals in the perinatal period. I’m also a part-time Lecturer at the University of Washington School of Social Work, where I teach clinical direct practice in the Master of Social Work program. I’ve spent over 25 years working with, by, and for broader LGBTQ communities, starting in the late 1990s in rural Ohio. In my personal life, I’m a proud Queer parent of two rambunctious kids, a partner, friend, loudmouth, forever Midwesterner, tee ball coach, lover of women’s sports,  and Gemini sun/Leo moon/Capricorn rising. 

Since it is Pride month and it is always important to center the most impacted people, what would you want to tell someone who is embarking on a Queer parenting journey to hold with them? 

All too often, we focus (and rightfully so) on the hurdles we encounter in our journey to build our families –lack of access to culturally inclusive care, financial burdens, the invisibility of our experiences in broader conversations about fertility and family making. As true as these challenges are, LGBTQ people are also immensely resilient, creative, and highly skilled at building loving, equitable, affirming relationships and chosen family systems. We have built our own families out of necessity, out of love, out of a shared vision for a liberated future. In the best of cases, we have shaken off the assumptions placed on us around our identities, our relationships, and our families, and we are able to create conditions that break generational cycles, heal our attachment wounds, and allow children to be safe, loved, wanted, and affirmed in their ever evolving authentic selves. In the small amount of population-based data we have access to, it’s been established that LGBTQ people experience greater relational satisfaction after having children, and experience their relationships to be significantly more equitable in terms of the division of labor in families. We have so many strengths!

In so many ways, Queer joy is a direct act of resistance against societal norms and oppression, especially around parenting. Queer joy can also be different for everyone, and for some, might not be accessible. What does Queer joy mean to you and how do you see it connected to your work with couples and perinatal mental health?

I try to live into my version of Queer joy everyday. I’ve been out for almost 30 years at this point, and don’t ever take for granted the life I get to have now, a life I didn’t even know to dream of as a Queer young person in the rural Midwest in the 90s. Queer joy is so much more than pride (and especially the corporate parade that most people see these days – remember, the first pride was a riot led by Black and Brown Trans women and Queers against a virulent culture of police violence and repression!) Queer joy is self compassion, breaking generational cycles, beach days with my crew of Queer families, watching our kids grow up free of rigidity, shame, and judgement. Queer joy is knowing that our struggles are intertwined with others and standing in solidarity with all communities oppressed by systems of power, locally and across the globe. Queer joy is knowing that we deserve culturally relevant and inclusive care in our journey to and through parenthood, every step of the way. Queer joy is a commitment to our shared power and resilience. Queer joy is the beautiful, life-giving struggle to create a more just world for our kids, grandkids, and communities. More than anything, my work with couples and perinatal mental health clients is excavating, from beneath the weight of racism, homophobia, transphobia, fatphobia, ableism, sexism, the joy that we’ve carried within us all along. 

Clearly there is a lack of representation of LGBTQ individuals and especially families in media, seeing Queer parents represented out in culture can be so powerful, where are you finding this representation?

I think this speaks more to a niche interest/passion of mine (and may not speak to the broader LGBTQ community), but I’m finding so much joy and representation of Queer parenthood in women’s sports! Representation won’t save us, but it does matter. As a longtime Seattle Storm and WNBA fan, it’s been amazing to see how the league has evolved over time to embrace and celebrate Black and Brown athletes, Queer and Nonbinary athletes, and the communities that passionately show up for women’s sports. The WNBA Players Association has also worked to create parent and family friendly policies and benefits, including fertility preservation, conception support, childcare stipends, and beyond. There’s been something of a WNBA Queer baby boom this year and I’m here for it! 

What would be your top 3 tips, resources, or practices for providers who might not identify as Queer but are working with people who are Queer to navigate their own perinatal experiences

1. Actively seek out LGBTQ parent voices and stories and build a foundation of awareness of some of the common experiences LGBTQ people have on their journey to parenthood. I’ve had so many clients catch themselves explaining something to me, like what reciprocal IVF is, or the feeling of indignity in proving the legal relationship you have with your own children, and then realize that I likely have a somewhat shared experience and express relief in just getting their needs met and not defending/explaining their identities, relationships, and journeys.

2. Compassionately challenge your own assumptions and biases. Notice whether you are reinforcing heteronormativity or the gender binary in the language you use to describe your work, with clients, and in your organization’s policies, education, and outreach materials. 

3. Stand up for Queer and Trans families, and Queer and Trans kids. We are navigating a time of unprecedented legislation targeted at limiting our access to basic healthcare, legal protections, and fundamental right to exist with dignity and respect. LGBTQ safety and liberation are reproductive and perinatal issues.