A Conversation about new fatherhood with Nathan Friend, our Warm Line Dad Specialist

Tell us a little about yourself and your background and why you choose to work at PS-WA

I am a father to three young children ages 2, 5, and 8. I was completely shattered by the traumatic birth of our first child. My wife and I had experienced three miscarriages before then, but we weren’t prepared for the extreme difficulties we faced both in birth and in the newborn phase with a high-needs infant. We were so beyond our capacity that we had no choice but to turn to our family, friends and neighbors for help. So I learned how incredibly important community support was and continues to be. My work as a Dads Specialist on the Warm Line is as much about my own healing as it is about helping other dads. I’m a decade into my fatherhood journey and I still struggle with postpartum depression. But when I work with other dads, we break the isolation and the stigma together.

What are some common themes you encounter when working with fathers? 

First, I’ll say that the dads that I work with are all trying really hard -they are facing serious challenges but they all want to be good dads; the effort and the commitment are so strong. Second, many are struggling in their relationships with their spouse or partner. Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are extremely hard on relationships, and the increased stress and decreased sleep leads to a lot of challenges in communication and understanding. Finally, I’d say that these dads are experiencing a lot of sadness and grief and isolation. Because of so many of the lessons about manhood that we’ve been taught in the US, their grief becomes self-destructive and it shows up as anger, resentment, and social withdrawal. So a lot of my work is helping dads get to the sadness underneath –sadness that parenthood isn’t what they expected, sadness over a lack of control or a loss of self, etc.

What societal pressures do you see put on fathers and how does it affect their mental health?

Most of the dads that I work with yearn to be engaged and present with their kids, but we live inside a society that values men more as income-earners than as caregivers. Often dads come to my support group for the first time during their very last week of parental leave. They are seeking out support because there is such a deep sense of loss over having to go back to paid work. These men feel pulled in so many directions –they feel the pressure to provide financially for their families, while also wanting to be available emotionally, and it creates a lot of discouragement and helplessness.

What advice would you give expectant fathers? Are there things they should watch out for?

Parents don’t need advice, they need support! We were never meant to parent alone, it was always supposed to be a community effort. So I always encourage Dads to think about how they “recreate the village” around them. Who can bring meals, who can clean, who can take the baby for a long walk? And not just in the first two weeks, but in the first two years. I also had a therapist who told me that the most socially isolated demographic in America, after elders/seniors, is men between 25 and 45. That statistic absolutely rings true in my work. The dads I meet need other dads to talk to as a way to normalize their experiences and to combat the harmful effects of isolation. I always recommend finding a friend or relative you can talk to regularly, and/or find a support group where you can share your experience.

Your support group has been one of the most attended at PS-WA. What can fathers expect when joining? 

Vulnerability and understanding. Everyone is really open and honest about their experiences, and while the details may be different, the feelings are very familiar. So there are lots of nodding heads from other dads who totally get what you’re going through. You also get a really nice mix of tears and swear words. I’m always amazed at how quickly these guys feel comfortable with letting out all the feelings they have to hide or mask out in the world. I remember one dad, at the end of his first group, saying “I know I just met all of you, but I think I love you!” because that sense of camaraderie builds so quickly.
On a personal note, I’ll also say that I love my role with the Warm Line and the Dads Group because I’m offering peer support –I’m not a therapist or social worker. That means I get to actually share my own story and talk about my own experiences as a father. That can be so powerful because then these dads know they are not alone – I’ve been there, I’ve felt that, I still feel that. We’re in this together.